Divorce Tips for Men -- Courtroom Decorum

Five tips on courtroom decorum -- for men.

1. Wear socks. For the girls, sartorial faux pas has the benefit of a shock value. Dress your female client loudly enough and everybody in the courtroom might just forget what the hearing was all about. The judge will be telling his clerk: “Mary, can you believe the skirt on Mrs. What’s-her-name when she was testifying about what-was-that- about?!” Men enjoy no such powers. If you do not wear socks, everybody in the courtroom will remember you as “that cheating SOB who does not even wear socks.”

2. The judge is not flirting with you. Neither is the opposing counsel. Neither is your own counsel. You are just a job. I promise.

3. In North Carolina, the assets are divided according to their value on the date of separation. If your estranged wife arrives at your doorstep in the middles of the night dressed in nothing but high heels and a raincoat, it is possible that she finally saw you for the splendid man you are – the realization that escaped her in the prior ten years. It is somewhat more likely, however, that she learned of a large asset you purchased since you separated, and her primary motive is to share in your wealth.

4. You are classified as a “supporting spouse” because you supported your spouse. The louder you protest that you paid for everything while she did nothing but enjoyed manicures and the yoga classes, the longer you will be eligible to pay for those same manicures and yoga classes. This may sound unfair to you, but such is North Carolina alimony law. Take what you will from this.

5. Your hair is fine.