Five tips on courtroom decorum – for women.
1. Divorce court is dull. Terrifying, yes. Tragic, yes. Devastating, yes. But also – unexpectedly and unavoidably dull.
Ladies, this is important! No matter how much the judge and the lawyers bore you, no matter how long your husband's accountants drone on, how incomprehensibly mind-numbing the direct of financial advisers, real estate experts and private investigators, you must – I repeat – must! refrain from treating a working courtroom like your dentist’s waiting room. Absolutely no: nail polishing, text messaging, hair brushing, blogging, facebooking, or organizing receipts in your pocket book. No flirting with male paralegals. No reading. There will be a copy of the Holy Bible on your desk. Ladies, the Bible is there for one purpose only – and it is not your reading pleasure. This is your first tip. Sit still.
2. This is counter-intuitive. Judge does not need your help in discerning the truth. At least he does not know he does.
Most divorce proceedings in North Carolina are bench trials. This means that the judges do all the fact-finding. Some of the judges have been fact-finding for decades, and have grown quite comfortable with the task. I realize that a woman’s heart knows when her husband lies on the stand. It is only natural to want to be helpful, so the judge catches on as well.
You mustn’t. I promise you – Justice either catches on, or it does not. But here are some of the things I ask you not to do. Shake head. Groan. Roll eyes. Point. Point, shake head, roll eyes. Wave arms. Scribble furiously while shaking head. This will be harder than you realize, but you must. This is your second tip. Sit still.
3. Courts are secure government buildings. This means that security surveillance is working in most of the rooms. Live camera feeds are available to the court security. And to the Court staff. And to the Court, if it wants to. So this is your tip number three – I think you are catching on – do not fidget when you are out of your designated courtroom either. You never know who might see you.
4. Speaking of security. Those ridiculously small rooms flanking the courtrooms are for talking to your counsel. That is why they have two chairs and a table. These rooms are not there because your ex-husband looks particularly good in his new blue shirt. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Girls lost millions to these little rooms. Seriously, ladies. Just stay in that courtroom.
5. This is a hard one. Tips one through four require nothing but good posture. That’s all there is to following one through four. This one calls upon your good judgment.
Perfect Red Lipstick, Hollywood hills, bra strips, push-up bras, black stocking, short skirts, lace, ribbons, bright nails. These are all very good props, although they are best for the start of the marriage. Divorce court is technically not the place or time to bring out the magic. Most lawyers will unequivocally tell their clients not to use any of the props, and simply come in dressed as slightly duller clones of their lawyers. This is good, solid advice, and I give it to most of my lady clients. Think of it this way. Ask yourself whether you want the judge to remember you by the prop. Do you want to be remembered as the triple-D lady? Big hair lady? Classic red lip lady? That is not an esthetic decision -- that is a strategic decision. When making your choice, first consider your options and costs. Big hair lady? If you otherwise would remain “the one who stole all the cash and ran off with the dentist” then maybe. Big Hair might be a better option. It is a strategic decision, girls. But if you go for the big hair card, it better be So Big that nobody will remember the dentist.
If in doubt, dress like your lawyer does.
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